Monday, August 2, 2021

I Don't Shit Where I Eat... Sometimes.

 Hot coworkers. 

We all have them. Can live with them, and choose not to live without them, workplace sexual harassment suits be damned! 

Disclaimer: Jk, guys. Please respect other people. 

I don't shit where I eat. 

Humorous saying, but valid af. 

*insert British accent* "Of course you should not ingest where you excrete! Why, that's bloody unhygienic!"

For the love of the queen, Susan, calm your tits! I'll explain.

Sometime in the early twenties, a social scientist from the school of fictitious scholars, named Baristotle,  discovered that placing two elements in a semi confined space, where one was of a hot nature and both were extremely volatile, over a prolonged  period of time,  caused a reaction known today as, "Awkwardness". 

In his effort to proffer solution to this problem,  Philosopher Baristotle coined the phrase, "I don't shit where I eat" or IDSWIE, for short. 

True story. 

Now, to us mere mortals, the phrase above expresses a reluctance to have romantic relations with coworkers. 

I mean, they say "coworkers" but I say ANYONE likely to be a part of a social circle you can't, for the foreseeable future, break out of. 

It could be your pastor ("...for the devil dwells in lies... Not unlike Sis. Clare who swore her undying love to me last year...") or even a doctor at the hospital you frequent ("The patient in ward C with the headache complaint should be given this coma-inducing injection. Also, here's a 'Do not resuscitate' form which she happened to sign a minute ago. *wink*") 

Wow. And those aren't even the worst scenarios that come to mind. 

Moving on... 

The IDSWIE was one I followed religiously until I happened to come across an exception to the rule, prompting me to add a "U" to the acronym.

I Don't Shit Where I Eat Unless... 

a. Coworker looks like Chris Evans, treats you like any K-drama protagonist and Focuses Until Current Knowledge Surpasses like Johnny Sins after a year's vacation. (Sorry, mom.) 

Or

b. Said Coworker has the funds to make a down payment on your soul. 

Impossible, I know, ergo, there are no exceptions to the rule. In my opinion, of course. 

But I'm curious... What could be the difference/tipping point between upholding the rule and pulling off an Elsa ... Ya know, letting it go? 

I want to hear your opinions and stories on this topic so, please, send me an email (victoriaanyanwu335@gmail.com) or a DM on WhatsApp. 

This is, hopefully, a two-part series and I'd love to feature you guys in the next part. 

Much love, 

Vicki. 

Saturday, July 24, 2021

The Unicorn Effect... Without the effect.

Hey, there, fellow Hollywood scripted underdog. Ever heard or said stuff like;

"Nope. That'll be simultaneous to suicide. Girls are always after him."

Or

"So there's this girl. She's way out of my league, financially. In maturity, too... And fineness."

(a) Really? You have? Me, too! 

Author's note: If you replied in the negative, please refer to option b. 

(b) Really? You haven't? Me, too!... Hehe. 

At the risk of self-deprecation, I have to admit that I was more of the "saying" than "hearing" person. 

Recently- and by that, I mean yesterday, I read a writeup in which a therapist talked about "The Unicorn Effect". 

For those of you who don't know what that is, it's the desire to want something you can't have and choosing to chase it, anyway. It could be, in mild cases, a celebrity, a close friend or, in extreme cases, a step sibling. 

I'm joking, people. 

Fun fact: The term "unicorn" is also used to describe bisexual females, usually sort after by heterosexual couples for the sole purpose of sexual gratification usually brought about by badly scripted porn. How awesome is the urban dictionary? 

But I digress. 

For the purpose of this material, we will be talking about the unicorn effect...without the "effect". 

In my opinion, that just means desiring what you can't have and choosing to do absolutely NOTHING about it! 

Storytime:

When I was in the university, there was this particular guy I had a major crush on, which was quite an inconvenience, really, due to fact that it made me do stupid things like laugh extra loudly, whenever he was in the vicinity or walk to my hostel extra slow, hoping to catch a glimpse of his...whatever attracted me, in the first place. 

I know, fam. I cringed, too. 

 We were in different departments and he was this quiet, but popular type, so we couldn't have been more different. He asked me a question, one time, and i froze. I don't even remember what the question was or what i said, but i avoided him like the plague until i graduated because, you know, that's what normal people did when they liked someone. 

Back then, he was my unicorn. 

B A R F... But totally true. Cute, seemingly unattainable, too cool for figurative school, nice and cute af. 

*seemed imperative that I mention the cute factor, twice*

Fast forward to a year after graduation, and guess who I bumped into? 

Yes! Cute guy! 

And this time, we actually talked and his version of things made me want to roll on the floor and laugh or cry... Whichever one made me seem cooler. 

According to him, I was a bit of a snob. I always looked annoyed, never smiled at him and the one time he gathered courage to talk to me (remember the question and answer I didn't remember?), I just said I didn't know how to play chess and walked out. People actually told him that all I knew were my books and few friends. 

Like... Sir, for you, I would have dropped to 2:2. Who education epp? 

That experience got me thinking about how many opportunities I might have missed just because I assumed they were above my reach, and how many baby daddies I had let slip by... 

But, my darlings, knowing what my mistakes were and how to fix them does not mean I will, in fact, fix them. And since I'm a really crappy bet, I took it upon myself to bet on you guys, instead. 

Apply for that job. 

Make a bid for that contract. 

Ask that guy or girl out. The worst you could get out of it is "no". If you want to use it as a learning experience, you could create surveys, asking what part of you they didn't respond well to, and improve on it. 

And if all fails, we've got Dr. Joro's IG dating page. It's not a joke... That's my backup plan. 

Finally, do you know you're someone's unicorn? 

How awesome is that? 


With love, 

Vicki. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

LITTLE ROSE.

 "Mummy, it hurts," the child complained for the fifth time, within a span of fifteen minutes. 

She was being gently cradled by her mother, who glared in the direction of a much older woman, shuffling through the nylon bag she held. "It's okay, sweetie. It'll die down."

At that, the older woman scoffed. "All these children of nowadays, a little pain and it's as though the whole world had come crashing down."

"Mama, please. Not now."

At that, she arched a brow. "All I'm saying  is when I was her age, I didn't complain as much. And how could I?! One hot slap from Nwannyimma rivaled the pain from a thousand circumcisions."

The child whimpered again, and her mother looked down, worriedly, before glancing at the door. The nurse had promised to be right back with a doctor. 

Well, where the hell were they? 

It had been close to four hours, since they had arrived at the hospital and the perspiration on Rose's forehead was steadily building. 

Was it just her or had her baby's temperature  risen, within the last hour? 

Mary Amara James had not pictured spending time at the hospital, when she begged her mother to babysit her daughter for a week. 

A smart and attractive single mother of one, she had been excited when her boss had chosen her to be part of the team in charge of closing the China deal. 

Normally, she had Grace, her close friend, babysit for her on week days, when she couldn't get off work early, but a week  would have been asking too much, so she had gone to her mom, Mrs Nkechi James. 

A decision she now regretted. 

She wasn't against circumcisions, a long-aged tradition in her family, but couldn't her mom have waited for her to get back and asked her permission?! 

"Mama, I don't like this. Did you even verify the woman's qualifications before letting her take a knife to my five-year old?" 

Mrs Nkechi looked at her daughter. She has forgotten her upbringing, she thought sadly. All decked up in a fancy suit and heels, she nows questions my judgment. "Verify what qualifications? Eh, Mary, I'm asking you! Did I verify the one that cut you? Yet you're okay and grown enough to ask me stupid questions." 

"Mama, that's not what I'm saying. Rose- "

She cut her off. "- is my granddaughter and I know what is best for her. Give it two days and she'll be running around, the way she used to."

The door creaked. "Miss Mary James?"

The person asking was a female pediatrician. Sh held a clipboard in one hand and had a slight frown on her face. "I'm Doctor Susan, and I'm so sorry for the delay. We're quite understaffed today. Now, if both of you would, please, step out, I'd like to examine Miss Rose." 

Thirty minutes later, they were all invited to the doctor's office. She had a grim expression on her face. "Miss Mary," she began. "Are you aware that your daughter has been genitally mutilated?"

At that, Mary shook her head in horror. "No, doctor. I was only aware that she had been circumcised." Her mother nodded in agreement. 

"Ma'am, I'm afraid that's one and the same. Rose suffered multiple injuries from that act, which was clearly done with a blunt object. What did the previous doctor say when you took her in for aftercare?"

Mrs Nkechi shuffled her feet, uncomfortably. "I...eh... I didn't take her to a hospital, but I gave her Paracetamol and the woman cleaned up the injury with water and plaster."

At that, Mary glared at her mother. "Are you telling me you never took her to,  even,  a pharmacist to check if she was okay?! Mama! Water and plaster!"

The doctor shook her head. "It'll do no good to apportion blame, right now. The truth is, the entire concept of female circumcision is outdated and wrong. Shortterm effects include infections, genital tissue swelling, excessive bleeding and severe pains, which, in extreme cases, may lead to death. Longterm effects include reduced sexual interest, which is more than likely to affect future relationships, urinary problems, increased risks of childbirth complications and keloid, among others.

The thing is, we can't determine, for now, if Rose would be hit with the longterm effects,  but, right now, she has an infection from her injuries, oozing out pus. That's why she's been in pain. She's also running a fever, which we have under control. We'd like to keep her admitted, for the time being."

Mary's head spun. Could it really be that bad? Hers hadn't been like that. 

Or had it? 

Looking back, she realized she remembered little to nothing of her past. But now, it occurred to her that when her ex-husband had complained of her lack of sexual interest, he'd had been completely right! 

What was that term he had always used to describe her? Ah... Yes. Frigid bitch. 

He was an abusive, piece of shit but he'd been right. Humorlessly, she chuckled. 

Had she unknowingly sentenced her little girl to the same fate? 

"Oh, my God. What have I done?"

The doctor looked at her with pity. "Please, calm down. I assure you the hospital will do all it takes to ensure that your child is saf-"

The door flew open. It was the same nurse that had earlier been with them. "I'm sorry to interrupt, Doctor, but patient James is regressing."


****


Two hours later saw Mary and her mother pacing the halls. They hadn't heard anything since Rose had been rushed into the theater. 

Mary prayed, harder than she'd ever done in her life. 

I'll be a much better Christian. I'll be a much better mother. Just save my baby. Please. 

Mrs Nkechi, on the other hand, felt a slight strain in her heart. She had meant no harm. It had been all she had ever known. It was a traditional act, aimed at preventing promiscuity in a girl. And now, her granddaughter laid helpless.  

I'll never forgive myself. If anything happens to Rose, I'll never forgive myself. 

She glanced at her daughter. And Mary would never forgive me, either. 

 A short while after, Doctor Susan came out to see them, wearing a tired smile. "It was successful. We lost her for a short while, but your girl's a fighter. Thank God." 

At that, Mary crumbled on the floor, in tears. "Can we see her?"

The doctor smiled. "In a bit. She's being transferred to the pediatric ward." Then, she gave them their privacy. 

Mary stiffened, as she felt her mom's touch on her shoulder. "Nwamm, I'm sorry. I didn't mean any harm."

"Of course you didn't mean any harm, Mama, but you still caused it. I can't bring myself to forgive you, right now, for myself and Rose. You can see her, for now. But after that, I don't want you anywhere near us- at least, until I can face you without feeling the hate I do, right now."

As Mary walked away, Mrs Nkechi bowed and cried. 



The End. 

 SAY NO TO FEMALE GENDER MUTILATION. 

*mutilation of any kind, really. C'mon, y'all, it's got "mutilate" in it.*

- Vicki ❤️ 

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Tame my daughter (A Wattpad-like cliche)

 "You're the worst person that ever lived!"

"Noted."

"Children run, screaming, at the sight of you."

"Aww, baby. I love you, too."

"Mother Theresa mocks you in her gr-"

The flight attendant cleared her throat. "I'm sorry, Sir and Madam, but if you could just hand me your flight tickets and be on your way, that'd be amazing." She gestured to the line of people behind,  glaring at them. "You're kinda holding up the line, you see."

The man smiled, self drepecatingly, handing her their tickets. "I'm so sorry about this. My wife is just really cranky because I didn't kiss her. But that's because of her really bad morning breath." His wife scoffed, in disbelief. Ignoring her,  he went on. "and- "

"Uhm, Sir?" The attendant cut in. "I...uhm.. really don't care. Next!"

****

Alex Webber was a very pissed off man. His weekend had begun quite differently than he had planned. A real estate mogul and an investment enthusiast, he was wealthy beyond his wildest imagination. He had enough money to last him, ten lifetimes- or two, he thought to himself. If the way his useless kids went through it was anything to go by. 

His wife was at some fancy club for rich wives. He'd never understand the appeal they held. All they did was play bridge, milk money from their husbands and gossip about the side flings they had. 

Speaking of which... 

He looked over at the pool house, where Alejandro, their poolboy, stacked supplies. He knew the little shit had been banging his wife and would have fired his ass, but didn't  because of one thing.

He was banging him, too. 

His cell rang, and the caller's identification made him groan. Pressing the answer button, he snapped, "What now?"

As he listened, he smiled, until he was bent over in rib-aching laughter. "You're kidding, right? How the hell did that happen?"

Pause. "You know what? Head for the Delridge Mansion," He said, looking over at Alejandro. "I think a family reunion is due."

****

 Jason Crosse looked over at his wife, who was already tuckered out from screaming at him, earlier- and, most importantly, from the little pill he had managed to slip into her margarita. 

He smiled and caressed her hair, affectionately.

The very spawn of Satan, himself.  

A little chilly, he snuggled into the blanket he'd been provided, thanks to flying first-class, and tried to sleep. They had less than thirty minutes to land, and he was more nervous than he had ever been, in his life. How exactly would he react, he wondered. 

Some pretty fucked up things had happened to him on the job, over the years, but this was the first to actually threaten his sanity. 

His wife mumbled in her sleep and turned over. 

He grinned. 

Yeah... Wifey would not like this one. 

*****

"Over my dead body, Jason Crosse!"

"Well, that can easily arranged, Dalia Crosse."

She looked at the mansion that spelled all shades of doom. 

Okay, Dalia, think! 

She needed a way out, and she needed it fast. "OK, look," she began. 

Jason smirked. "Go on. I'm listening."

"I don't hate you or anything. In fact, I understand you're just doing your job and I respect that. I respect you. Jay-"

"Oh, it's Jay, now- "

She ignored him. "Many people misunderstand  and judge me, but you are an exception, and I promise if you let me go, I'll be very grateful." She said, squeezing his biceps and fluttering her lashes. 

Jason pretended to think about it. "How grateful exactly, Mrs. Crosse?"

She leaned in close, her lips really close to his ear. "Very, very grateful."

He smiled, and looked into her eyes. "That's quite a shame, Dalia. You see, I'm not attracted to ugly girls."

"You son of a bi-"

"What is going on here?" 

At that, she spun around. "Daddy! Thank God you're here. I've missed you, dearly."

Alex Webber grinned. "Save the theatrics, sweetheart." He shook hands with Jason. "I trust your trip was bearable," he said, with a not-so-subtle glance at Dalia. 

Jason grinned. "Nothing I couldn't handle, Sir."

"Please, call me Alex. We're in-laws, after all."

Dalia frowned. "Wait. You know about that?" "Sweetheart, i know everything about everything. I'm just glad you decided to settle down." 

Dalia was speechless. "It was a Vegas wedding!"

Her dad tutted. "Now, sweetheart, a wedding is a wedding, irrespective of its location. It's legally binding and till death does you part."

"We were drunk! Daddy, I don't even know his middle name!" She stomped her feet. 

"Simmer down, princess. We have our whole lives for that." Jason said, throwing his hands over her shoulders. Enraged, she shrugged him off. "I want- No. I demand an annulment."

The two men watched her stomp away in amusement. "What do I do now, Sir?"

"Well, this is a situation we didn't prepare for. I told you to bring my daughter back home, Jason, not  marry her."

Jason had the grace to look shamefaced. "I'm sorry,  Sir. I already spoke with my lawyer, concerning an annulment."

Alex thought for a minute. "We could do that, or we could see how this plays out."

"Sir?"

"Jason, that girl blew over a million dollars of my money in one casino. And that was just last week! Thinking of my other children gives my bank account a heart attack. I need to see if being tied down, figuratively, would bring some kind of change. This experiment should last only a month."

Jason blanched. "Excuse me?"

"Name your price, my boy. I need you to tame my daughter."