In secondary school, I was painfully shy. Now, I say "painfully" because i would be in literal pain, either physical or mentally, and I'd keep it to myself so as to avoid bringing attention to myself. I never spoke in public, especially in front of guys. My biggest fear, then, was getting shut down and laughed at, which is quite ironic as I positively live for chaos now.
I attributed it to my weight, then, which is funny because, looking at past pictures, I wasn't even close to how I currently am.
The problem wasn't my weight. It was me.
My cousin would get so pissed at watching me do stupid things like drink local bitters, to purge myself or beg my mom for liposuction.
Fun fact: Then, I really didn't care. Lol.
"Chisom, you're beautiful and smart. This isn't necessary."
I got so frustrated because I felt no one understood. At a point, my mom was convinced I was in "like" with a guy and this mystery dude was the reason behind my persistent obstinance.
In hindsight, that was really when the awkward Sex talks started. I still cringe at the memory.
If you're reading this, Mom, that was not the reason for anything I did. I was frustrated because I would have actual ideas, or even jokes but I'd clamp up because I felt no one would or could see beyond the physical.
I knew I had the potential to be awesome. I just didn't know how to pass that across to others.
I'm kidding!
No, i'm not...
"I wish you'd break free from this low-esteemed mentality"... Wise words from the same amazing cousin. They hadn't stuck then, though I wish they had. In through an ear, and out the other.
The point is, i get it! It's really not easy to climb out of that well you've dug yourself. It might not be stellar, but it's familiar and safe so you find yourself embracing it. All of it.
You can do so much better, though.
There are people that see the potential in you, which you've blinded yourself to.
Yo! That rhymed! And they say I've got the lyrical talent of Sponge Bob... Pfft... Who's laughing now?!
Anyway...
If you feel ready to break free from that bubble of insecurity, here are few steps that could help;
1. You're Amazing... OWN IT: Look in the mirror every day and list out impressive things you can do. It can be as normal or weird as possible. Wait... You can read a thousand paged book under an hour? Impressive! You can shoot fire from your butthole? Even better!
2. Verbal Baby Steps: This has to do with public speaking. I struggled with this for a long time, y'all. Start with random casual comments. Something that was said pissed you off? Let it be known. It could be a mild "I don't like that" or a badass "Screw that!". If a situation becomes too intense, glare and walk out. Trust me, they'd be left confused.
3. Love Yourself: Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong! It's probably the hardest one yet. This has to do with realizing that if you don't look after yourself, no one will. It's loving the good aspects, and caring enough to change the bad aspects of yourself. It's fighting for what you believe in. It's going the extra mile to make yourself happy. It's eating right, exercising, meditating, cutting off toxicity from people and social media, not because it's fun, but because you need it physically and mentally, and you're worth it!
If the above doesn't work or takes more time than you realized it needed, to actualize....,
4. Fake It Till You Make It (FITYMI): This is the golden rule. You bluff like your life depends on it. It's not possible to magically overcome your anxiety, overnight, so you bluff to yourself and others. Guess what? Most celebrities we look up to, if not all, still face such fears! Brainwash yourself, if you will, into believing that you can do ANYTHING, no matter how crippling you find the idea to be, and DO IT.
What's the worst that could happen? Seriously.
I currently live by this rule.
That's it, babies. Try to break free from that which you know is below you. Don't wait until you're 70 to do what you should have done at 30. The world deserves to know you right now! Please, don't make us wait that long.
Much love,
Vicki Maris.
